Outlook Guarded for Demented Knitting Olympian
[Dateline: Seattle April 10]
Surprising and disturbing aspects of the Knitting Olympics were brought to light over the weekend when a crazed and disoriented Knitting Olympian burst into a private gathering in Seattle, apparently mistaking it for the finish line. The knitter, whose identity at first was not known, shouted, "Twizzle is done! The damned sweater is done!!!! Where's my gold medal?"
She then collapsed in a heap on the floor.
Even Frankie the rescue dog, here shown with head lowered in sadness, could not revive her.
At first, horrified onlookers could only gasp in confusion.
Luckily, the reclusive homeowner known as TMK (The Mysterious K, she explained) had a camera in hand to record the astounding series of events.
The knitter was quickly revived by the offer of a plate of brownies. She identified herself as the Feral Knitter. Her story was somewhat confused and, to many, unbelievable, but investigators have been able to verify many points of the convoluted tale. In February, caught up in the worldwide Knitting Olympics hysteria, Feral Knitter decided to knit a self-designed complex Aran sweater in a very large size. In a sad commentary on the lack of social concern in modern Western society, no one attempted to stop her despite what was quite obviously a crazy and self-destructive goal. She cast on when the Olympics flame was lit on February 10, urged on by other similarly delusional participants in a gathering with ritualistic overtones at the home of a well-known yarn shop manager, Nathania. (These gatherings are quite common among knitters, although the world at large remains ignorant of their existence. The Department of Homeland Security declined to comment on their investigations of these groups.)
Feral Knitter then set aside all other knitting in a single-minded yet ultimately doomed attempt to finish the garment before the flame was extinguished on February 26th. She lost interest in all normal concerns and soon lost contact with reality itself. The only thing keeping her grounded to human interaction was the repeated playing of Gilmore Girls and Lord of the Rings DVDs. Upon finishing the sweater on April 8th, it seems that she wandered aimlessly for hours looking for the Olympics arena so she could claim her medal. She saw someone with a knitting bag enter the neat home in north Seattle, so she used the last of her strength to open the door.
Knitting Olympics officials in Toronto did not comment, but those close to the competition were not surprised at the recent developments. "Many knitters are deranged," noted one, on condition that we not report his identity for fear that his wife would stab him with her #1 straight metal needle while he was sleeping. "They lose track of time, eat too much sugar, become monomaniacal, in fact. And they only get scarier when they run in packs."
"People think of knitters as sweet little grannies, but nothing could be further from the truth," said another person closely connected to the games.
Feral Knitter's husband John, when contacted by reporters, was only mildly surprised at the turn the story has taken. "Oh, yes. I kind of thought she was going over the deep end, but I knew that if I just OK'd all the credit card receipts she wouldn't attack me. There's a very dark side to knitting, you know."
Noted psychiatrist Snorri Culversdottir pointed out that,"They [knitters] lose all sense of reality. Have you noticed how much yarn they think they need to buy? It's a sickness." Dr. Culversdottir noted that early clinical trials are showing promise. "We can arrest the disease, but we have never yet successfully erradicated it. If you or someone you love is addicted to knitting you must remove all fiber stimulants from the addict's environment. We've found this difficult, as knitters are particularly adept at hiding yarn in 'stashes' that can be nearly impossible to locate. Knitters become nearly rabid when others approach these 'stashes.'"
The Yarn Harlot, founder of the Knitting Olympics, was unavailable for comment. It is rumored that she has gone to a 28-day residential recovery facility, although publicists claim that she is on a publicity tour for her third book. ("Three books in one year? You see how crazy they get? This just proves my thesis," said Dr. Culversdottir.)
The prognosis for Feral Knitter does not look good. She remains in denial and she is unwilling to change her social groups. In fact, this reporter witnessed one knitter. Rachael, handing Feral Knitter some yarn and needles soon after Feral regained consciousness because, "she looked a little lost without something to do with her hands." Those who work with knitters say that recovery is nearly impossible under these conditions, although all we interviewed agree that Twizzle is lovely.
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